The entire freshman class has been reported missing, having last been seen on a grade-wide field trip to visit the construction site of the renovated library. The mass disappearance was first noticed following the IT department report of Chromebook repairs falling from 439 to 4. In addition, Sodexo workers in the cafeteria noticed a stark lack of excitement among students at the idea of “like, being able to get food whenever.” Many teachers also reported a strangely high number of students walking on the correct side of the hallway.
After reaching out to the construction manager Eddy Fiss, he assured us of the library project’s continued efficiency. Mr. Fiss affirmed that “this unexpected delay will not affect future expected delays. We plan to have the library finished well before the current seniors have grandchildren. 2 years. 40 tops.” Rumors that new library tables have space for, and we’ve consulted with the math department for confirmation, an infinite number of students per table. (For freshmen who don’t get the joke: a table is a flat surface, often made of wood or Chromebook-like metal, upon which you can rest your Chromebook or set books while you search your backpack for your Chromebook.)
We reached out to dozens of parents of missing freshmen to assess how they are coping with the difficult situation. A vast majority were unconcerned, stating that they’re just glad their child is adjusting well to the new school and exploring all that the school has to offer. A few were outraged, insisting that the books had likely poisoned their child’s mind and possibly even staged the kidnapping to forward a new literary agenda. One responded “Oh, Tommy? Right, right, he goes to the high school now, doesn’t he?” On a more optimistic note, many local eighth graders inquired if the disappearance might boost their chances of getting a parking pass as juniors.
When reached for comment, the school administration assured us that a search team has already been dispatched to the library. “We have left a trail of caf cookies leading all the way to the library” said the administrator. “At the moment, though, we’re hoping that the freshmen are taking advantage of the situation to study among those, uh, leafy things.”
Unexpectedly, it seems that the group most affected by the lack of freshmen is the senior class. Many seniors said that they feel unsure of their place within the school now that there is no one to intimidate. Some even reported attempting to confuse or make fun of sophomores out of desperation but were unsuccessful. “The sophomores are just too clever. I just wish the freshmen would come back already,” lamented Adam Slaxalot, beginning to tear up. “I try shouting ‘SENIORS!’ at others, but no one else will listen . . . Not my mom. Not my math teacher. Not even that huge group of freshmen I saw hiding out by the new gym.”
