Dear Freshmen,
We here at The Flipside would like to welcome you all to Deerfield High School! Now, you may be scared, and you should be. These four years are going to be the worst of your life? unless you follow our comprehensive pro guide that?ll turn you from a wimpy 8th grader to an absolute chad.
First up, you?re going to want to make sure you sign up for extended time. Don?t have a good reason for it?No problem! Just get your parents to email your teachers saying that you are genetically disposed to have an extraordinarily small bladder in testing environments. Trust me, this one helped me get a 37 on my ACT without even studying.
Now this may seem shocking, but once a week gym teachers will lock a sweaty lung-restricting strap around your bare chest against your will and force you to run like a sled dog until your heart beats faster than all you freshies racing for homecoming dates. However, there is a way to get around this. All you have to do is stand up onto of the elliptical machine and yell at the top of your lungs, “BOW BEFORE ME MORTALS.” While this approach is unorthodox, the display of absolute dominance will have your gym teachers doing your heart-rate-day for you!
Having a cafeteria for the first time for a lot of you guys is probably very exciting. In fact, it?s so exciting that all you guys have decided to dive in there head first like it?s a Lake Forest girl?s DMs after her bio changes to ?single?. There is literally no air to breathe in there because of your tiny bodies filling up every crevice of that room. We kindly request, with all due respect, that
you just exit from the cafe forever and never return. Ever. This really is the best option for both of us, trust us. You can wait for your mediocre pizza, we promise.
It may take a while to implement all of our tips into your high school routine, so be patient. However, once you do, you will immediately start seeing the results. That cutie in english will start talking with you, your math grade will skyrocket, and you will be flexing on seniors in the PERC. For any complaints with the program, please contact Jeffrey Lefkovitz, your elected leader of the freshman class, at 231lefkovitzj@student.dist113.org.
Sincerely,
The Upperclassmen
