On Tuesday August 27, Deerfield and Highland Park dismissed their students at 1:10 pm. Superintendent George Fornero stated that this early dismissal was caused by “intense heat.”
“If temperatures reach over 100 degrees Fahrenheit, it is school policy to evacuate the building,” said Fornero, “We started taking this policy seriously after thirteen students spontaneously combusted in August 2002.”
But the Flipside has uncovered new information that the schedule change was not due to the heat. After all, students reported that the sweat on Mr. McDonald’s mustache was “off the charts crazy” this past Monday, which is the the usual trigger for a school closure. New evidence has been uncovered by the Flipside Investigative Reporting Service that the desciscion to end school early was made in order to protect students from a new deadly viral disease: Twerking.
On August 31st, Flipside reporters infiltrated the Superintendent’s mansion in order to get some answers. Beat reporter Flip Flipowski described Fornero’s manner as “abrasive and hard to read.” When asked why there was no early dismissal Monday, Fornero only said, “Oh my God, what are you kids doing in my shower? Get out now!” All further questions were met with threats to call the police.
Fornero’s reluctance to answer a simple question suggests that our early dismissal was caused by something much more controversial than weather. Because of the grave nature of the situation, we at the Flipside believe that it is of the utmost importance that every students knows what Twerking is and how to prevent it.
The virus, Twerkoluos Longtonguous, received its name by its similar appearance to a popular club dance. The recently discovered disease is often characterized by irrational spasms of the lower back and buttocks, along with elongation of the tongue and involuntary facial contortions. However, professional choreographers and medical doctors alike believe that this booty-shaking movement is a symptom of the Twerking virus, and should not be confused with actual talent.
Patient zero, Miley Cyrus, is believed to have spread this virus during her performance on the 2013 VMA’s, which aired only two days before DHS’s early dismissal.
So is it possible that our early dismissal was caused by Twerking? Reports indicate that this could be the case. Sophomore, Jacqueline Ponderosa shared her experience with the virus.
“It was Tuesday, the 27th. I was in Geometry. Everything was normal until a student got up and started flailing about like a maniac. It looked a little like Twerking, but I can’t be certain. Then everyone in the class started doing it. It was awful. Then I blacked out. When I woke up, I was on a bus headed home. This man was going around, telling everyone that we shouldn’t talk about what happened today, or he’d cut funding for Deerfield’s Fencing Team.“
However, Jacqueline was not the only student that witnessed the outbreak. Even though progress has been made in containing the virus, there are still reports from Deerfield and Highland Park of teachers “vigorously shaking their booties against various objects.”
While recent studies show that Twerking is only fatal in 30% of instances, students should take extreme caution to prevent infection. The nurse’s office recommends avoiding people seen Twerking in hallways, classrooms, and on top of cars in the parking lot, as well as drinking plenty of fluids and removing any music known to cause twerking from your IPod.
More information on Twerking can be found on the Center for Disease Control’s website, where a government sponsored “Twerk Team” of virologists and hip-hop artists are providing up to the minute information on the virus’ spread.
